Disappointment, despair to encouragement.

Yesterday, June 29th, Charlotte's implant was switched on. Had an emotional, wonderful appt that lasted 4 hours. It seemed the implant was working and Charlotte could "hear" again. After we got home, we kept upping the programs (will go into detail later in a few days/weeks). After awhile, it seemed she wasn't responding to anything. We kept trying with two different processesors to try and get her to turn to sounds we were making. And felt utter despair. Our worst fear had come true. Her nerve is small/underdeveloped and we were told it would fatigue easily and couldn't maintain the stimulation the implant gave. Which meant she wouldn't be able to gain speech and be completely deaf. We had big cries. All day. So emotional. We were wondering how could this be. Everything was so RIGHT. We were trying to do the Lord's will and felt guidance in our decision and wondered how could this go wrong?? When I wasn't emotional and calm, I kept telling myself. Heavenly Father won't provide an opportunity just for it to fail. I've struggled with my faith regarding Charlotte because sometimes what I expect/expected didn't happen. But I told Heavenly Father that I am trying with all my might to trust him and that I know this is his will to get the implant. But I am still human and felt so disappointed that Charlotte couldn't hear again. We saw the audiologist later that day again because we were so worried and he seemed a bit discouraged and thought it too was because of the nerve fatiguing. Which made us worse. Haven't seen Wade cry like this since we were first finding out Charlotte's difficulties in the NICU. But late last night, after Jack went to bed, we kept Charlotte up. We thought, maybe her nerve has rested enough to be able to deal with the implant. Well, we turned on the first processor. And Wade banged on the wall and she was trying to locate the sound. INCREDIBLE. For like 45 min. we kept changing programs (to increase her tolerance to the implant) and kept trying to make different, louder sounds and she kept listening and listening. LOVING it. SMILING. We put in the 2nd processor. NOTHING. But we realized. There's something wrong with the 2nd processor. Well, it was because WE were changing the control processor not the SOUND processor. And we only gave her like 20 sec. to respond to the processor. So we assumed it didn't work (in theory the controller doesn't do much but to change programs/volume). ANYWHO. We were so encouraged by this. She was reacting to the sound.
Today, we had the 2nd phase of the implant session, etc. That got us talking before everything was happening and realized it wasn't that she wasn't hearing it was because she's NOT RECOGNIZING that it's sound. A lot of times, patients assume it's a sensation and don't react to it. INCREDIBLE. So now, she's got her implant tweaked a bit more to make her try and recognize things. She's starting to hear environmental sounds. She even has responded to my "ba-ba-ba" sounds I try and get her to say and she said them back.
That's where we are. We feel so relieved...a bit unsure of things still...but encouraged and hopeful and the feeling of despair and disappointment has lessened. A LOT.
So thank you for your prayers and encouragement and support. I never felt more despair than I did in the NICU with Charlotte and it just felt like it was that time all over again. Trying times right now but I am trying so hard to keep the faith and know this is the right thing to do!! THANK YOU! Okay, I'm going to go cry. So better go! : )
Actually, we are off to New Zealand in less than 2 hours. I'll try and update or keep up with the blog but it might take me awhile. WE LOVE YOU!