Disappointment, despair to encouragement.

Yesterday, June 29th, Charlotte's implant was switched on. Had an emotional, wonderful appt that lasted 4 hours. It seemed the implant was working and Charlotte could "hear" again. After we got home, we kept upping the programs (will go into detail later in a few days/weeks). After awhile, it seemed she wasn't responding to anything. We kept trying with two different processesors to try and get her to turn to sounds we were making. And felt utter despair. Our worst fear had come true. Her nerve is small/underdeveloped and we were told it would fatigue easily and couldn't maintain the stimulation the implant gave. Which meant she wouldn't be able to gain speech and be completely deaf. We had big cries. All day. So emotional. We were wondering how could this be. Everything was so RIGHT. We were trying to do the Lord's will and felt guidance in our decision and wondered how could this go wrong?? When I wasn't emotional and calm, I kept telling myself. Heavenly Father won't provide an opportunity just for it to fail. I've struggled with my faith regarding Charlotte because sometimes what I expect/expected didn't happen. But I told Heavenly Father that I am trying with all my might to trust him and that I know this is his will to get the implant. But I am still human and felt so disappointed that Charlotte couldn't hear again. We saw the audiologist later that day again because we were so worried and he seemed a bit discouraged and thought it too was because of the nerve fatiguing. Which made us worse. Haven't seen Wade cry like this since we were first finding out Charlotte's difficulties in the NICU. But late last night, after Jack went to bed, we kept Charlotte up. We thought, maybe her nerve has rested enough to be able to deal with the implant. Well, we turned on the first processor. And Wade banged on the wall and she was trying to locate the sound. INCREDIBLE. For like 45 min. we kept changing programs (to increase her tolerance to the implant) and kept trying to make different, louder sounds and she kept listening and listening. LOVING it. SMILING. We put in the 2nd processor. NOTHING. But we realized. There's something wrong with the 2nd processor. Well, it was because WE were changing the control processor not the SOUND processor. And we only gave her like 20 sec. to respond to the processor. So we assumed it didn't work (in theory the controller doesn't do much but to change programs/volume). ANYWHO. We were so encouraged by this. She was reacting to the sound.
Today, we had the 2nd phase of the implant session, etc. That got us talking before everything was happening and realized it wasn't that she wasn't hearing it was because she's NOT RECOGNIZING that it's sound. A lot of times, patients assume it's a sensation and don't react to it. INCREDIBLE. So now, she's got her implant tweaked a bit more to make her try and recognize things. She's starting to hear environmental sounds. She even has responded to my "ba-ba-ba" sounds I try and get her to say and she said them back.
That's where we are. We feel so relieved...a bit unsure of things still...but encouraged and hopeful and the feeling of despair and disappointment has lessened. A LOT.
So thank you for your prayers and encouragement and support. I never felt more despair than I did in the NICU with Charlotte and it just felt like it was that time all over again. Trying times right now but I am trying so hard to keep the faith and know this is the right thing to do!! THANK YOU! Okay, I'm going to go cry. So better go! : )
Actually, we are off to New Zealand in less than 2 hours. I'll try and update or keep up with the blog but it might take me awhile. WE LOVE YOU!

11 1/2 hours to go...

Okay, this is the second phase of this long process for us! Waiting for Charlotte's implant to be turned on tomorrow morning! So, if you're awake at 9am MST, think of Charlotte! And say one last prayer for her tonight. And if you're on Facebook and are my friend, I'll update often!...well if it's good news you'll know. I might not feel like talking to anyone if it's not : / but it's going to work and it's going to be awesome!

Downtown Hamilton. Notice the ASB Bank? Yeah, that's our bank in NZ! Just FYI. he he.

oh, and another picture just to make you jealous : p

Bay of Islands, New Zealand. This is one of my most favorite places to visit in NZ. In fact, the whole Northland area, including Cape Reinga is my favorite. Well, let's just say that every place is my favorite : )

And on another happy note, we are leaving for NZ on Tuesday evening! YEAH! Wish us luck. It's going to be 26 hours door to door. Unless we die in a plane crash. Or hit on the head from something in the overhead compartment because the front wheel popped and made you have a hard landing (Willie Mays, the OxyClean man died this way). yeah, I have a fear of flying. I can go on and on about it. ha ha. In fact, I'll hyperventilate for the first 2 hours and then I'll be like, will this plane ever land cause it will take FOREVER. Seriously. 13 hours is a stinkin' long time. At least the destination will be worth it!

Summerfest Weekend.

The weekend of the 13th of June we went down to Orem to celebrate Summerfest! We had a delicious bbq, watched a parade and also some fireworks. Then spent the night at another friends house, visited with the Elegantes and Midgleys, stayed the night with Aunty Tracy and then to SLC to drop of something Monday morning. And Wade was able to put in a day's work afterwards. Yeah! It was seriously go go go the minute we drove down but it was a fun getaway. Here are just a few pictures of the weekend.

Jack would NOT give Mama Gil and Papa Joe the time of day! He loved them from a distance. He's starting to become such a daddy's boy.

Charlotte and Mama Gil.

Charlotte was actually pretty good on Papa Joe! She's been more shy since her surgery but she kept calling him Grandpa! It was so cute. We forgot to get pictures with the Midgleys! Oh well. Next time.

They were throwing out these smiley face beach balls in the parade. I was trying so hard to get one for Charlotte cause she was just going crazy for one. But Wade (long story) was able to get one! Dad saves the day!! Oh bythway, we are SO going every year to the parade. MissionaryMall has been participating these last few years and they throw out NOT candy but TIES. YES TIES! And for a seminary teacher it was like throwing out gold! Wade got TWO free ties and then afterwards convinced a kid to sell hers for a dollar. So that's not bad! I thought that was the highlight of the parade. he he.

Kya, Charlotte's friend, dumping grass on her brother, Brennon. I thought it was funny. Charlotte decided she wanted to do it to Jack but I stopped it right away! ha ha.

What's under there Charlotte? The parade is on the street.

My cutie boy! Isn't he adorable??!!

My Dad.

This is my Dad. He's the greatest Dad. I love him so much. He's so giving! Always looking out for others. He's strong in the gospel and has a strong testimony. He is amazing to watch through his hard times because of his faith. He's got such a great attitude that things will always work out. And specifically turns the other cheek when others do wrong things to him or tries to make him look bad. He doesn't even say bad things behind their back! Now that's impressive. I love you, Dad! I wish you could live closer to us. We miss you so much!

Father's Day!

We've had a wonderful Father's Day! Fixed Wade some toast, scrambled eggs and hashbrowns for Breakfast. Gave him his gifts: Valkyrie from me, Cashews from Jack, Crackers and Brie from Charlotte. Then had some yummy chicken parmagiana with Cheese stuffed Focaccia Bread! And for dessert we'll be having chocolate cake and ice cream! It's been so wonderful focusing on Wade. He's seriously the most amazing person. I love spending every minute watching how he plays with Charlotte and Jack. He truly loves them and they love him too. He's a wonderful example to the kids and can't think of anyone else who could be their Dad. I love you, Wade. You really are an incredible Father.

My Dad is the best Dad because:

1. He gives me cuddles.

2. He reads books to me.

3. He takes me to Sam's Club and Macey's because we get to eat free samples/cookies together.

4. He doesn't get sad when I am clingy for mom.

5. He let's me change the DVDs a billion times in 10 min.

6. He always says that he loves me.

7. He makes me really good breakfast.

8. He tries to include me in his activities whenever he can.

9. He takes me to Primary every Sunday.

10. He makes me laugh.

My Dad is the best Dad because:

1. He's my most favorite parent. I'm a daddy's boy.

2. Taught me to climb up the stairs. Yes. It's true. Mom found me halfway up the stairs yesterday and then a few stairs from the bottom today. I think I scared her to death. But can't complain cause Dad showed me how. : )

3. He always feeds me dinner.

4. Thinks it's funny to feed me formula in a sippy straw cup.

5. Gives me the best cuddles and makes me laugh all the time!

6. Let's me sit with him on the couch or LoveSac and just play with toys or read books.

7. I can get him to hold me all day if I scream if handed to mom. Mom's tried to pry me away but I'm a strong baby!

8. He sings to me.

9. He takes me on rides on his shoulders.

10. He gives me attention and tells me he loves me all the time.

Sweet Surprise

On Monday morning, I answered the door and this is what was handed to me! My really close friend, Jennifer Tippets, sent me some flowers because I was overwhelmed with Charlotte and her recovery. It really made my day! It was the best thing I could have gotten in my time of need. Thank you, Jen.

Argh

I'm having trouble with adding these following pictures to the other post. Sorry. FRUSTRATING!!!

Wade was asking for Jack's binky back. Charlotte wanted it for some reason. She kind of does that every once in awhile. Reverting back to it. I know she won't get hooked back on it so i don't care. If it gives her comfort at the hospital that's fine by me.

Jack and Dad waiting in recovery with us. I just think this was a cute picture.

FYI, the next post is LOOONG.

MIRACLE SURGERY! Warning: Last two pictures are a little graphic...

Thursday, June 4th:
End of year School Beach Party and Pre-op appt.

We first started out the day with Charlotte's end of year class party. They threw water balloons at targets and each other. And they had a water gun fight. Charlotte had a BLAST with that one. We had yummy food to eat and gave presents to the teachers. Charlotte's teacher, Miss Natalie, was leaving Sound Beginnings for other opportunities and we will miss her dearly. She is a person that changes lives. We were so gutted she left because she was such a wonderful person. She was a teacher that cared, was good at what she was doing, helped us more ways than one and well, she's just plain perfect. I could go on and on and on but I won't. She seriously is someone we will never forget.

Charlotte just threw a water balloon on the ground. Can you see the spatters? And ugh, I hate this picture. Thanks Wade. ha ha

Aaahhhh, the water gun. Took her a bit to get used to. Actually aimed at herself trying to get that thing to work. ha ha

Miss Natalie. Dang it! I want to cry. She was seriously amazing. I think she deserves to be teacher of the year!

L-R: Shalane with Reagan, Jenny with Luke, Me and Charlotte (yeah, I know you know who we are...he he)
These girls are my lifesaver. Reagan and Luke are the other toddlers in toddler class. We've had the best year together. We have talked about everything and laughed and laughed most of the time. The student teachers probably got sick of us not paying attention but hey, we needed adult conversation! ha ha. They are awesome. I'm sure going to miss seeing them every week. Charlotte's graduated with Reagan to the regular preschool class. So no more parents in the classroom! I think we need to get together and make crafts once a month. What say ye, ladies?

Later that day, we headed to SLC for a visit with the surgeon. It was kind of a long day because it took over an hour to finally get to see the surgeon who was tied up with some other patient. And then we were with him for at least a 1/2 hour. But he just went over everything and marked Charlotte's ear to make sure he was doing the implant on the right ear. And then we headed back to Logan. We had originally planned to stay the night with some people but they had something come up and we didn't want to stay at their house by ourselves. Kind of awkward and it was too late to re-invite ourselves to Wade's uncle's house and we thought, well, we never ever get a good night sleep at someone else's house so let's just head back. And so we did. The surgery was scheduled for 10:30am and had to be there at 9am so it was nice we could get up at a normal time too.

The surgeon told us some interesting things: They developed the ability to see the cochlea nerve with the MRI at University of Utah hospital and they thought they had all things figured out until Charlotte came along. She doesn't have a cochlea nerve visible on the MRI. (He told us when she was 18months old--when we first looked into a CI--that we were making things up, that it was physically impossible for Charlotte to hear. We debated, argued really,with him that she can. So she had an EABR at the University of Michigan that proved she did in fact have a cochlea nerve and that she could hear.) Dr. Shelton said that once Charlotte came along, all those tests went out the window. Well, not really. But they have weekly meetings with the radiologists and Charlotte's case has come up many times because her case is so different. We thought that was incredible that Charlotte is making a difference for someone else that might have the same problem.

June 5th, Surgery day!

We headed down to SLC again at 7:15am. Got there in plenty of time. Checked in and waited in the waiting room. Primary children's is awesome because no matter where you are in the hospital there are a bazillion toys for the kids.

Charlotte and Jack waiting and playing in the waiting room. Charlotte knew something was up the minute we got to this room.

Charlotte just changed into the hospital clothes. I gotta smile and normal eyes in this picture!!! They checked her temp, heart rate, respiratory rate, etc. in here. Had to feed Jack his bottle in here too because they said it would be hard for the kids to see someone drink or eat since they would be starving. So once he finished, we headed to the other surgery waiting room.

They had wagons and cars outside the next waiting room. Charlotte just LOVED them. Mostly the cars. Kept getting in and out, in and out, in and out. It was fun to see her relax a little.

Here she's testing out the blue/green car

And here she's testing out the red car.

Now, playing inside the waiting room. I thought it was funny when Jack joined Charlotte. She was loving it...

While waiting for time to pass, nurses came by to "teach" the kids about what will happen to them. They get a white doll, get to color a face and then the nurse shows all the equipment that they'll see during their hospital stay and also to help them not be so nervous. The stethoscope was Charlotte's favorite. She kept checking the dolls heart, my heart and her heart. We also got to pick what sort of flavored gas she'll smell when she was put under. We picked strawberry. Too many choices!

When we first got to the surgery waiting room, they told us the surgery was postponed til 11am. She got the relaxtion medicine at 11:15 am and finally was told they were ready at 11:30. We carried her until a certain point and then the anesthesiologist took her back. I was crying off and on until that point. As soon as she was taken I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I didn't know what was going to happen with her. So many risks. It ended up being a LONG 2 1/2 hours. And thanks to Chris and Shalane's suggestion we headed to the cafeteria. That really helped. Especially gorging my face in delicious food. YUM. I just love food. About an hour after they took her, a nurse called us and gave us an update about Charlotte. The facial nerve was safe and she was doing well and vital signs were good. Let me tell you, WHAT A HUGE RELIEF! I rarely cried after that point. After 3 hours, the surgeon came and talked to us about what had happened. Which was WONDERFUL NEWS! When I finally saw Charlotte, the flood gates opened again but I knew things were okay. It's always hard seeing your child in pain. But it was over. THANK goodness!

Charlotte had to be doped up a bit more on morphine. She is a fighter and she lets you know she doesn't like what she's been through. So we had to relax her a bit more. She was telling the nurses she wanted me and once she saw me she was signing and telling me that she was all done with everything. She kept saying it over and over too.

Charlotte finally relaxing.

Not as much hair was shaved as we once originally thought. We can't take off that white tape until Friday. Have to keep everything dry until then. So yeah, it's gonna get gross. ha ha. once in awhile Charlotte will touch her ear and sign/say "owee". Poor thing!

This surgery went far better than we ever could have hoped. Really a miracle. The facial nerve was never nicked and the surgeon was able to place all of the electrodes in the cochlea. (Hers is underdeveloped. And the surgeon was hoping to get 8. There are 22 in total). Seriously, a miracle for us. We will be forever grateful for all the prayers, fasting and support you have all given us. THANK YOU!

11 hrs to go

Charlotte's scheduled to have the surgery at 10:30am tomorrow morning. It was a good, uneventful visit to Dr. Shelton's office today and hopefully feel mentally prepared for everything. Thank you for all your well wishes. Charlotte will do wonderful. It's going to be a tough few weeks but we'll all adapt and it will be good. Here's the start to a new adventure....

4 more days...

Well, it's down to just days/hours til Charlotte's Cochlear Implant surgery. This Friday, June 5th is the day. We are 100% behind this. We felt so strong about the decision in the temple and feel it's the Lord's will. I'm human though. I still feel like crying when I think about the "what ifs" but then I think back to that night a week or so ago and remember the strong feeling of "it's right". I don't like that Charlotte will be under for 2 1/2 hours. I think right now the whole surgery part is what is weighing on my mind. Anesthesia, facial nerve paralysis, blood, bruising, SHAVED HAIR! : ( But also the unknown for Charlotte. I don't know how to explain to her (in sign or words) that she won't be hearing with her aids anymore. There won't be sound for 3 weeks. But I anticipate the day she's "turned on". It's going to be good and she'll amaze us with all her progress. Keep us in your prayers. Keep Charlotte in your prayers. She's been through more than what a normal adult has gone through.

Oh, should I mention the most likely that we'll be moving somewhere in the valley within the next 6 months or so? yep. They are making the busy street we live East of into a 5 lane HIGHWAY. Starting Spring of 2010. Most likely they will be tearing the houses along the street on OUR side of the road. So that means we'll be the 1st house on the corner. Too dangerous for kids, too noisey, etc. Utter disappointment to me. We had plans of living here for a LONG LONG time. We had all these dreams of projects to do in this house. But now we'll just finish the ones we're in the middle of and call it good. Makes me want to cry. I just LOVE our ward, neighborhood, HOUSE. My most favorite part of the house is that beautiful staircase my dad and Wade worked on and built together. It's gorgeous and no other house will look the same way. It just breaks my heart we have to move!!! But I have to think of my children. Man, I don't want to move (I'm stomping my feet on the ground!)!!! Ahhhhh. Can you tell this is a tough thing for me??!!! I can't stop thinking about it.